Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Mood Incongruence

Just to open the discussion, and having gone through the FAQ... "Have you had any mood-incongruent psychotic symptoms?"

Thanks for your question. Yes, I often have mood incongruent symptoms, would I say they were psychotic? I don't know, maybe. I guess it depends who is asking! 

One of my main "symptoms" as it were is suicidal ideation. Apparently, recurrent suicidal behaviour or ideation is a hallmark of bipolar disorder. I guess then it's no surprise that I have this. 

I have attempted suicide 3 times since I was 15. These were not cries for help. These were intense desires to end my life owing to an event that has happened. My first attempt at 15 was a combination of reasons with the biggest driving force being the bullying I suffered at school. I took a huge amount of painkillers and downed some vodka. I immediately threw it all back up having never tried to drink neat vodka before! My second attempt was at 20. I was making a huge change in my life and I was in a relationship with someone who decide he didn't want to be a part of that change. He called me up and dumped me! Once again, I went for he overdose option. I gathered as many painkillers as I could from the people around me, I'd say I ended up with about 100 or so. I took them all and then went to take a shower. I collapsed in the shower and the next thing I know I woke up in bed! According to the people around me, I'd collapsed and possibly started fitting. A friend then stuck her fingers down my throat to force me to vomit what I had taken. I was also given something to drink that I didn't like (orange juice I think) which made me vomit some more. I then spent the rest of that day in bed feeling like someone had hit me over the head with a sledge hammer! The third and final attempt was at 27. Again, this was down to a relationship ending. I went for the Sam option of overdose as I remembered how easy it was. However, just to be sure, I also had a litre of vodka, half of which I'd already consumed and a razor blade. I took myself off to the local park/woodland area and I'd decided that if the overdose didn't kill me, I'd slit my wrists and walk into the lake - I can't swim! Once again, I was saved from that. I'd taken approximately 20 pills having already consumed half a litre of vodka. I wanted to take more but my phone started ringing. It happened to be one of my best friends. I'd made a vague post on Facebook that she read and immediately called me. She stayed on he phone with me for about an hour. She told me if I didn't go home that she would alert the police. 

Feeling suicidal is not something I actively think about. It seems to be a thought that is always there and isn't helped by the voices. I can be the happiest person in the world yet I cannot walk over a bridge without a voice daring me to jump off. I've learned to ignore the voice now for the most part. When I'm in a catatonic state I will find myself having wandered to a high point. There is never any real intention to jump off though.

Another mood incongruent symptom I have suffered is delusions.  When I am feeling manic, he delusions are consistent with my mood. I often feel invincible or "all powerful". However, I sometimes feel this way when I am depressed. I have also had delusions of grandeur. I believe that I am some sort of heiress with insurmountable amounts of money and I will go spending like it's the end of the world!

I would say that these are the only 2 incongruent symptoms I have suffered and if you were to ask a medical professional they would indeed say that they are psychotic.

I hope that this answers your question fully. Please do let me know if there are any points you need clarifying.

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